SQ1: Breaking Ground – Day 1

*A rented conference room, five minutes into the future. Everyone looks expectant*

Okay, people. Shall we go round the table? We’ll start with me.

Me? I’m a thunderbolt. I’m a dreamweaver. I’m like nothing you’ve ever seen, except you’ll feel you’ve been waiting to see the likes of me all your life. I’m not just here to hack out a living like you guys: I’m here for Art. Art needs my help, and like King Arthur coming back to fight the Romans, here I am. You are my Knights, if you can prove your valour, and by that I mean, learn from my wisdom and your mistakes, you can finally become scriptwriters the world can be proud of.

*silence*

Don’t worry. Your questions can come later – I know I’m a lot to take in all at once. But here’s the shizzle, guys. I recently approached the network with an idea, something that absolutely blew their feet off, something so ger-hod-damn visionary that every time I read through my notes I have an headgasm. It’s like nothing else out there, and I call it Stellar Quest 1. I’m not precious about the title, by the way, because in this business you can’t afford to be. We need to make the network feel like God, and if that means rolling over, we roll over. Shows are the battles, but careers are the war. Remember that. Write that down.

Okay, that’s the good stuff over – let’s get to you guys. I want Name, then Show You Were Previously On. Go!

John. Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles.

Zack. Pushing Daisies.

Dwight. Firefly.

Richard. Arrested Development.

Isaac. Veronica Mars.

Peter. Carnivale.

Never heard of any of them.

Sorry…you’ve never even heard of Terminator? Never? Doesn’t ring any bells at all?

Jog my memory some.

End of the world, cyborgs, fighting to keep the future leader of the human resistance alive. Massive robots…

Oh. Oh! OH MY GOD, NO WAY. You worked on that???

Yeah. That was mine.

Oh, man, that was my favorite show!

Great!

Yeah, I loved it when I was growing up. I used to take short cuts on my chopper just so I could get home on time!

When you were…growing up?

Oh god, it’s all flooding back. Lemon bonbons. “Boogie boogie boogie“. That show touched me deeply on so many levels.

I don’t think…

Listen up everyone. That’s the kind of mix we need. It’s scifi, and we all know that special effects are what scifi is really about, but let’s not forget character too. It’s the seasoning, it spices the dish, but if you overuse it, you overcook it. Look at the mess they made of Revenge of the Sith. Too much character, too much backstory, yadda yadda. If they’d stuck to the Phantom Menace template, then we’d have another Star Wars film coming out soon, am I right?

Well actually…

Wait. Wasn’t there meant to be seven of you?

Yeah. There was Bob. He’s working on Dollhouse. So he won’t be turning up.

Bastard.

Jerkoff.

Dollhouse – what is that, Nickelodeon?

*silence*

So anyway, we’re here to change the face of television. You’re not here because you’re the best of the best. Let’s face it, you wouldn’t be here if you were. Hey, I don’t want to sound insensitive here, but you’re all failures. Your shows tanked because you forgot how to write – if you ever learned in the first place, of course.

What the fuck…?

But that’s ok. We’re all allowed to make mistakes costing millions of dollars, hahahah. Sorry, I’m just a funny guy, don’t sweat it. What I mean is, the critics hated you.

No no no. Not in the least.

Oh really? So why exactly did your shows get cancelled, oh please tell me that prithee?

They got cancelled because networks aren’t prepared to truly invest in innovation and creativity. It’s just a massive popularity contest pandering to the lowest common denominator. It’s about Nielsen ratings, which are profoundly broke as a way to assess quality, but mainly, they got cancelled because networks expect to pick fruit without planting trees.

Right!

What do you mean, “right”?

We’re here to change the way that networks think.

And how do you propose we do that?

Simple – by giving them exactly what they ask for in the first place!

No, that’s not at all what I’m…

It’s a hearts and minds operation, people. And if we get their hearts and minds by the balls, then they have to do whatever we want! But first, we do what they want – or we pretend to, which is the same thing. If they tell us we’ve only got 4 seasons of our 5-season run, we scrunch the rest of the story up into the 4th season, and if then they tell us we have a 5th season after all, then we smile sweetly and we write a 5th season. If they want fistfights, we give them fistfights. We give them anything.

Anything?

And then, when they think we’re their lapdogs waiting on them hand and foot, we move in for the kill – because then it’s our show. Yes?

So if they want the next season to be exactly like the last season, only more so…?

Yes. Jack Bauer. Need I say more?

I don’t think so, no.

Everyone agrees that the seventh season has been everything that has defined 24 in the popular imagination. Betrayal. Jack Bauer shouting “dammit!”. Kim. Guns. A plot you can’t even follow, let alone keep up with. Don’t you see? It’s perfect dip-in TV! You can turn it on, and within 5 minutes you not only know what’s happened so far, you know what will happen next! It’s pure genius!

*long silence*

Anyway, if you can handle it, if you really think you’re ready, be back here same time next week, and we’ll start smoking this baby out. I want the absolute best you’re capable of – no, better. Turn it to eleven. Because that’s what we’re gonna do. Dismissed!

Image: Paxsimius