This was the week that Simon Cowell announced to the nation that the X Factor was all about who could sing Ghostbusters the most off-key.

Which would have been fine if he’d said that from the beginning.

“X Factor Is Dead”, shout the newspapers! “Fields of Piss” says Sting! The public marches on the X Factor studio, maiming and pillaging and setting presenters alight! Sickening and wrong, but certainly a step up from “dull”.

So here’s the thing, Si. *I care*. I believe in your tawdry, soiled, human-battery-hen franchise machine and what it can still do for the world. I think the magic can return emerge at long last. I think you can make dreams come true.

And so, in the style of Joss Whedon, I’d like to stump up an offer of

$10,000!

which converts neatly to

£6,029.50!

for the whole X Factor franchise.

I’m not just saying this. I’ve even got the 50p right here in my hand this very second.

So here are my suggestions for livening the whole thing up until it’s worth watching.

• For every ten acts they judge, the panel has to perform a number themselves, and if the public hate them, they’re voted off the show. (Lookin’ forward to yours, Si. Ohhh yes).

• John Sergeant dancing while Susan Boyle sings. Every week. Youtube will melt.

• Whose Strictly Come X Factor Is It Calling My Bluff Quite Interestingly Anyway? Talent, wit and improvisation. What’s not to love?

• Everyone sings after sucking helium. I’m barely in control of my sphincter just thinking about this.

And your suggestions are…?

Image: Steve Wampler