You know, I think I would get a tattoo one day. (And thank you for asking). It would be a small one, placed somewhere off the beaten track, yet somewhere dignified.
In a thrall of gut-wrenched horror, I added this to the Stumbleupon review page:
Seeing these makes me want to burn down the world and usher in a new age of ignorance and darkness.
Anyone thinking of having a tattoo: if you use a photograph, you turn even the most fluffily angelic loved one into a first draft of Herman Munster. It is impossible to make anyone look good. Use the following mental exercise: put “zombie” in front of their name and then imagine it. For example, if it’s Aunt Agatha you’re indelibly daubing onto your arm, imagine it’s Zombie Aunt Agatha. See? That’s how it works.
If in doubt, use henna first. Aunt Agatha will thank you, and probably keep you in her will.
There’s also the degree to which most tattoos are planned in advance, which is of course ‘not at all’. Just as a British kebab changes from a clastic lump of glistening offal (shaved roadkill, if you like ) into something desirable when you’re fuzzy with beer, appalling tattoo designs are transformed into Yes, That’s Exactly What I Want On My Face / Currently Distended Stomach / Ass.
At least, that’s the explanation I’m happy with. I refuse to acknowledge this level of idiocy manifest in my own species. (At the very least, when asked, I expect them to lie, eg. “oh man, I was so completely wasted, which is why I need the loan to have ‘Darth Maul vs. Thora Hird On Ice’ lasered off my face”, and then live with the shame in private for the good of global sanity).
But I’m still fascinated by tattoos. They can look good. Sometimes, not so much, but here and there I’ve seen subtle, understated ink that makes my toes wiggle. We’re talking very small but very distinguished here, on places that you can keep toned up so it doesn’t get stretched and saggy.
So I’d still get a tatoo.
With a few caveats.
1) 6 month planning in advance.
2) So much coffee in my bloodstream that I’m deeply, ear-buzzingly knurd.
3) A signed testimony from 20 friends that I was in my right mind and that they either agreed with or respected my soundness of judgement.
Am I missing the point?
Image: niemster
Hmmmm. You’ve made me crave a kebab now. Not.
Um… tattoos… I’m thinking ‘no’ but mainly because of the ouch. Though I was tempted to have one of those top-of-the-ear piercing doodahs recently. I quite liked the tattoo of the scissors ‘cut here’ thing on the foot?
Am interested to know which bit you will choose for your ouch? And will you be posting pics?
If I still have a blog at that point – because I can see it being a goodly bit into the future. No plans right now.
And the Ouch, yes. Hmm. Nothing like the prospect of unnecessary pain for honing your sense of priorities.
I would totally get one if it could be made out of something movable, like Rorschach’s mask. Maybe a tattoo on my left wrist with the current date and time, that actually stays current.
*emits Keanu-like “woah.*
Yes, that would be great. I’m sure it’ll be invented. And I’m sure it’ll have ‘nano’ in the title, because it’ll probably involve small ink-coloured machines or biomechanoids or something fancy.
Personally, I want a tattoo over my arms and legs that I can control with great detail with my mind – because it would make my writer’s notebook completely obsolete. Unless it involved utmost vigilance to keep control over, eg. sneeze and I lose an afternoon’s work into inky static.
Also, it’d be great to be able to have advertising deals, and wander across town with trademarks scrolling all over me, earning me lots of cash, like a biological Adsense box.
If you include me in the 20 needed to sign off, it will never happen.
1)have you considered the pain?
2)have you considered what it will look like when you are an old wrinkly?
1) Yep. and 2) Yep.
Hence I probably never will, unless it’s very small and neat and non-invasive. They would have to be modest in every sense. No Cape Fear tattoos for me, ta.
working in a swimming pool pretty much put me off tattoos for life- with regards Judith’s comment, more than anything. However our friend Sarah (leCabinet) has two tatoos both of which I really like. They were well thought out, *highly* personal, and cleverly stylish. I’m never *totally* sure I like them and yet somehow I do. They are ever so her, as well. On the other hand I will never understand the legions of friends with butterflies on their lower backs of Charles Rennie Mackintosh emblems which they ‘designed’ or ‘chose’ themselves…..
I’m intrigued. By highly personal, you mean of the 18 certificate nature, or just highly tailored to her?
Like you, I’ve seen a few that were so well done that I was almost convinced. But I still spend most of my time on the fence – or being pushed off it onto the other side, by those hideous examples I linked to up there…
If you got one, what would you have?
“WHEN” he’s an old wrinkly, Judith?
Don’t do it Mike. You could have a little girly one i guess? No, just don’t!
I’m going to get a tattoo of you, Ian. Because I admire you so much.
It’ll be on my forehead, and I’ll follow you around, holding a sign saying “Have You Seen The Man On My Forehead? HE’S MY HERO!”.
When I say “tattoo of you”, of course, I mean “tattoo of zombie you”.
You are mistaken. But i really enjoy this post, hope to read mores!
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(signature: insert really pathetically transparent link to some wretched product that will supposedly fill you with reproductive vim but will *actually* render your genetic material null and void and make your wedding-toolbox turn black and fall off.)
Dear spammers: Occasionally I like to take one of your comments, mutilate it beyond all recognition and nail it above the entrance to my blog, like this. As a warning. Please note: it is simply not possible for you to post a comment that’s as transparently spammy as this and get me to Approve it. It’s what you get if you multiply a Losing Battle by itself. So please, please, enrich your life and mine by buggering off, period.
Lots of love with sprinkles and puppies.
Mike