It’s been nearly a year since I accidentally deleted my blog and had to start all over again.
Here’s everything that’s happened at Fevered Mutterings (v4.0) since that glorious day of rampant stupidity for which I am rightly proud. A year’s worth: most of it original, some stolen from my archives; some of it carefully considered, [...]
Posts under ‘Foolery’
The Big List Of Fevered Mutterings (2009-2010)
It’s All In The Delivery
“Oh, we can’t guarantee when he’ll be delivering the new dishwasher”, they told my Mum. “Sometime on Thursday, definitely. But the drivers make up their own schedules to inflict maximum inconvenience on their customers. We can hear them giggling over the radio as they work them out. It’s an ugly sound, yet strangely compelling, like [...]
A Fine Decade I’ve Got Me Into
“Yes?”
“Hello. Uh….well, I’d like to turn myself in.”
“You’d what?”
“I’d like to report a crime – namely me, stealing from you. Ten years ago.”
“Well….uh…”
“The name’s Mike. Hi! And I’m a thief. Not generally – just in your case. I’m your thief. Your own personal thief. You and me, joined by crime. It was yours, and I [...]
How I Will Save The X Factor
This was the week that Simon Cowell announced to the nation that the X Factor was all about who could sing Ghostbusters the most off-key.
Which would have been fine if he’d said that from the beginning.
“X Factor Is Dead”, shout the newspapers! “Fields of Piss” says Sting! The public marches on the X Factor studio, [...]
Sgt. Moorre – Do The Right Thing
Yesterday, I received a very special, very moving and ultimately life-changing e-mail.
Them Be The Days, Me Hearties
Writing is a serious business. We writers have a moral and spiritual obligation to our peers and our readers to strive for the utmost sobriety of tone and to stick to the facts clinically and empirically without unnecessary rhetoric digression or lack of intellectual focus and rigour.
So I’m told.
Anyway, if you’re a student and you’ve [...]
What lonely planet?
It’s a chilly Saturday morning, and you’re hard at work enjoying the idea of a quiet, customer/writing-deadline-free day ahead. In no hurry, you get coffee and breakfast (a nicely gloopy banana smoothie) ready and sit down to catch up on all those blog posts that have been piling up on your RSS feed over several [...]
BASIC Instinct: Going Loopy In Doorways
Yesterday, I wandered into a visual FOR-NEXT loop.
It’s not a kind of roundabout. It’s also not a trap made by nimble-fingered Boy Scouts (although it is a kind of snare, shaped exactly like your brain).
It’s much more dangerous than that.
Nightcrawler Goes Walkies
My mum has a dog like Nightcrawler.
(Not physically, as you can see).
Here’s why, then. I’m back in York now, but I’ve been at my mum’s home for the past week, looking after her and her pack of mutts while she recovered from a small operation (fully successful). During that time I’ve been gritting my teeth [...]
“Where Do You Go To (My Lovely)” is the Longest Song In The World
(Fevered Mutterings v3 – December 11th, 2008)
It’s a well-known fact that Peter Sarstedt’s “Where Do You Go To (My Lovely)” is the longest song in the history of music.
Don’t misunderstand me: I don’t mean this in an empirically measurable sense. It’s actually just over 4 minutes long in realtime. But nobody experiences time in realtime [...]
